Well, I’ve evolved to the making jokes stage of healing so maybe I can write about this mess again!
This mess being THIS POST HERE if you missed it.
It’s been a challenging few months! Trauma, trauma everywhere! I’ve tried to come back and start writing again but my brain just wouldn’t let me put anything decent down. I was blocked at every turn. I kept running into this quote:
It’s SO true! It’s all feelings and emotions and trying to mash that into a story for here has been nigh but impossible. Also, I don’t have hindsight. I’m still living this. BUT so many other things have happened that I can write about. Good things. Fabulous things. Healing things. And I shall, starting with this post now 🙂
Acceptance. My Hubs says my jokes means that I’ve accepted IT.
At first I readily agreed. The crime my dad committed was a real thing that truly happened. I’ve got all the proof ( including secondary real live human confirmation from 3 other people!) He did that.
But I don’t accept it…ya know? Acceptance as in “Willingness to tolerate a difficult or unpleasant situation” I’m still mad about it. I’ll probably die mad about it too. That’s OK. I’m fine with that. The day I readily accept the death of an 8 year old and her mum is the day I lose my humanity. I don’t know how I could ever tolerate such a thing. ( I feel like scrubbing out my brain though, ugh!)
I do know that I’m doing good now. I’m not 100% but I’m good. My life is FANTASTIC and I’m busy unpacking things and hopefully healing and growing and “levelling up”. My life is so much more than discovering my dad was what he was. My life is so much more than that family secret. It keeps rolling forward, leading me to better and better things.
I’m going to keep writing about that horrible discovery here, as my brain lets me and I’m going to keep writing about the genealogy I’m still doing too. I found my grandparents! I’ve been able to add their real names to that side of my tree! I’ve connected with relatives. The most lovely humans a person could ever hope to meet. ❤ I feel legitimate and rooted in something honorable and important.
Honestly, I also feel extremely self satisfied. Those two assholes thought they could hide what he did. From their family, their friends, their children and their community. And then I came along, ha! They created their worst nightmare. I feel like a little kid when I say this but I don’t care: I’m going to tell EVERYBODY. The secret stops with me.