F*cked Up Book Club For One – A Bloodstained Hammer.

This is a whole thing.

There’s a book!

A Bloodstained Hammer was written by Allison Townsend and her friend, Brian Seifrit.

Allison Townsend is the daughter of Mr. Townsend and his second wife.

His second wife was the nanny he hired to care for his two boys after my father murdered their mum and sister.

The book is a fictionalized retelling of the murder with facts interspersed throughout thanks to court documents, according to one article I read.

Against good advice and all sense, I bought it 45 seconds after learning it existed:

Yep! I did!

I regret…being born. Ha! Only sometimes.

Ok, joking aside, I regret nothing. It wasn’t so bad and I’m glad I was brave. I learned some things.

It’s definitely a strange thing to hold a book like that in one’s hands. I have no other experiences to compare it to and nobody else that I know has been through this. There is no how to guide for this side of murder.

I think it would be highly inappropriate for this murderer’s daughter to actually review the book like I normally would but I’m cool with sharing my feelings and experience as I read it. Perhaps one day this post will help someone else. Because this? This is a bizarre experience!

Onward we go:

Right away I was disappointed the book is fiction. A true crime account would have been a gift. Nobody owes me anything though. I know that. I’m a person who craves accuracy and clarity. Wanting to know all the details is also a trauma response. All “me problems” . I did find it fairly easy to pick out details that felt like truths buuuuut I can’t know for sure and that’s frustrating. I sure do appreciate the elements gleaned from the court documents because even though this is a work of fiction, I feel closer to something that feels like…settled.

I had a huge physical response to the book. It came into my house and my heart went off! I started unconsciously holding my breath and pacing, ha ha. My body was screaming “DANGER!” at me. I’d pick the book up. I’d put the book down. Again and again and again! I couldn’t stand for it to be in my hands and yet I couldn’t stop touching it! Finally, I just opened to a page and started reading, in dribs and drabs until my heart rate regulated and I was taking normal breaths. I was not expecting all that nonsense!

Once I got the lay of the land so to speak and became comfortable with the authors’ voice, reading it was 🔥”fine”🔥. I knew who it was about but the dialogue was so unlike my father that it was easy to feel like I was reading about someone else even though I knew full well I wasn’t.

I read it in one night. Once I started I couldn’t stop! I was horror bound to the words within. I couldn’t have set the book down if I tried. I’m probably going to have to read it again just to absorb it fully because I just zoomed straight through it!

The authors and I agree: My father was NOT “crazy” and he definitely got away with murder x2. 100% . That was one of my first thoughts when I found out back in March. I’ve been invalidated on this subject before and so I’m pretty fiercely defensive of my stance on this fact. I will die on this fucking hill. My father knew exactly what he was doing when he raped and murdered Linda and Eyvon and he knew exactly how to manipulate people into feeling sorry for him and thinking he was mentally ill. Ask me how I know.🙄

In the end, I had some creepy and disturbing realizations about my father and my childhood 😬 Before reading this book I would have said that nothing other than the abuse I knew about had happened to me growing up. Now, I think something different.

I have all the symptoms of a person with repressed trauma. Experienced or witnessed. I don’t know. But my body does. And this is why I regret nothing.

A Bloodstained Hammer helped me finally formulate a million tiny pieces into a single point, with one sentence.

Overall, reading a book about one’s rapist/murderer father’s crime wasn’t as horrible as one might expect. I can’t say it was a pleasant thing to do but it didn’t hurt me to read it. Quite the opposite. It helped and I’m grateful it was written.

If you want to read it too it’s available from many sources online including here.

Thanks for reading about my fucked up book club for one. I appreciate the company! 💚